I feel you

Its funny how the smallest things can bring back the strongest memories. Some similarity of a moment in time reflecting perfectly off the future regardless of 2000 miles. And I'm sure my fellow beached whales can understand the web of confusion that boggles our minds when feeling lost at an uncertain age in an uncertain place that looks nothing like home.
I know a few souls...floating in the same fishbowl...that wish they could just swim away to clear blue water and coconut trees. He reminded me. When he wrote a song that caused us to cry and question why. Are we here for a reason or just to be. Misery is not in my cards so I wiped my tear and found those smallest things to remind me of eventuality (i love that word.)
It mostly breaks my heart seeing more of us breaking down from the transition. But all I can say is they are not gone, we are merely existing away from them on a journey to find ourselves...maybe it wasn't what we thought it would be, but if we flood our mind with heartache we'll flush out all the aloha.
back to the beach
I think I'll go jump off the high dive into some aloha. Go swim in that for a while.

Louise and Kahi

Louise is one of the most amazing people on the earth and Kahi is her second. They are on a surf trip around the world, which can be tracked by visiting the site eatdrinksurf. They are an inspiration, not just in living your dream, but loving life and always smiling. I was thinking about my personal quest to make barefoot prints around the world and I came up with this small waterfall of thoughts-

the many variations of the earth
from cold to hot and high to low
wet to dry and dark to light
I'm curious to attempt to blend
adapt, accept. Culture and race
and every difference I haven't seen
in a sheltered America where my boundaries lie.
And although the thought scares me,
I'd like to take a sip, of the
world. so my core will adapt,
my eyes will dilate, and my skin
will shed. Until I know life- of
this earth and grow like the grass
so I'll die experienced.

To start a new chapter he says

It boils down to one thing. And that is happiness. I read a book twice called the Art of Happiness, which was based on 8 years of interviews between the Dali Lama and a psychologist. Never did I finish the last chapters, but it always realigned my positive and injected compassion into my mind, life, spirit, whatever. Problem is that my brain, which operates like many others, works on use it or lose it terms. I think this is why self-help books are such money makers. We need something to continually keep us on track. Groups, books, distractions, something.

So Roscoe is my Dali Lama right now. Completely compassionate towards me no matter how hard I'm falling (on my face.) But he inspires me when he finally stirs up some emotion and lets me in on his feelings. He makes me want to be a better person and I admire his ability to do it so effortlessly, in a very non-condescending way. I talk a lot about my personal issues, which always gets me a lot of feedback on what I "should" and "need" to do. Most people don't understand that you are not seeking out answers, you're seeking out some sort of absorption of your troubles. Roscoe is my willing sponge so long as I can squeeze him out often enough with happier thoughts.

Thats where the new chapter came into play.

I left Hawaii (to escape myself), only to realize my shadow follows me even over oceans. I've moved twice in less than a year, regressing in quality of life (not counting health) and now I find myself in an emotional pickle jar...looking for a way out to a happier place (perhaps a sandwich or egg salad.) Its a confusing thing when happiness and sadness reside in you 50/50. And I let them dual it out for a while but realized that I am the ref of this game and the choice is mine.

So I chose happiness...and this blog is my self-help book/group/spirituality. blah blah blah. Cause I need to stay on track, and no I don't self regulate easily.
side note-who needs proper english/punctuation when writing whats in my head...it should come out more naturally (excuses excuses)