So Roscoe is my Dali Lama right now. Completely compassionate towards me no matter how hard I'm falling (on my face.) But he inspires me when he finally stirs up some emotion and lets me in on his feelings. He makes me want to be a better person and I admire his ability to do it so effortlessly, in a very non-condescending way. I talk a lot about my personal issues, which always gets me a lot of feedback on what I "should" and "need" to do. Most people don't understand that you are not seeking out answers, you're seeking out some sort of absorption of your troubles. Roscoe is my willing sponge so long as I can squeeze him out often enough with happier thoughts.
Thats where the new chapter came into play.
I left Hawaii (to escape myself), only to realize my shadow follows me even over oceans. I've moved twice in less than a year, regressing in quality of life (not counting health) and now I find myself in an emotional pickle jar...looking for a way out to a happier place (perhaps a sandwich or egg salad.) Its a confusing thing when happiness and sadness reside in you 50/50. And I let them dual it out for a while but realized that I am the ref of this game and the choice is mine.
So I chose happiness...and this blog is my self-help book/group/spirituality. blah blah blah. Cause I need to stay on track, and no I don't self regulate easily.
side note-who needs proper english/punctuation when writing whats in my head...it should come out more naturally (excuses excuses)
1 comment:
Good.. I need this self help blog also.
Recently I have been going crazy.. LIke literally crazy. I am homesick, which I didn't realize until now means SICK. I have headaches, back pain, and can't get to sleep till past 1am every night. My brain is just running rapid on thoughts, expectation, and whatnot, and I have lost control over it. I am usually a great sleeper and also good with control but I seem to have lost it all at the moment. All I can think about is wanting to go home and be with my friends, my ocean, my boyfriend. And then I think about my stupid ego and how it is controlling how I feel! I am even quite ashamed to say that I cry for home as well (daily).
So what do I do? Should I go home, or stay. Or maybe just stay 2 more months and not 5? So confused. shit, I am in such a beautiful place but can't seem to find beauty in it. I am just too alone and cannot handle it! My people person(ness) cannot handle and solitude. I am trying to think of each day as a new day but I have the same feelings. I just don't know how to fake it anymore. UGH effin ego!
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